How do I stop arguing in my relationships – 6 steps to mastering gentle start-ups
It is common for people to argue about the same things over and over without ever reaching an agreement or a solution that sticks. Often the topics seem insignificant – like how to park the car or whose turn it is to walk the dog – but still the conversations descend into bickering and criticisms.
Learning how to ‘complain well’ in a relationship – and resolving some of these hot-button issues – is possible if we employ certain well-tested communication skills.
The key is to raise the topic gently and avoid using blaming or belittling language. Using a soft or gentle start-up is a technique introduced by relationship researcher John Gottman, who claims he can predict how a conversation will end by watching what happens in the first three minutes. Word choice, voice tone and body language are vital to a good outcome.
6 steps to mastering gentle start-ups
Wait for a time when things are relatively calm and the other person has time to consider your point of view. Stressed people are more likely to respond from the emotional part of their brain rather than using executive reasoning.
Talk about what is happening for you rather than what your partner is doing. Use “I” statements and start by naming your feelings, such as: “I feel lonely when we spend the weekend doing separate activities” or “I feel anxious when plans are changed without notice”.
Keep your message focused on the topic. Don’t bring in other issues or situations that happened many months ago. If your message is clear and current, the other person won’t feel overloaded and confused.
Avoid using global language. Words such as never, always and only – as in “you never walk the dog” – will cause the other person to go back through their memory and find the exception to the rule.
Don’t compare your problem with how you believe other people tackle the same issue. If you say ‘normal people’ do things differently or ‘grown adults’ shouldn’t behave that way, you are attacking the other person’s character.
Be clear about what you want. Express a constructive plan that gives the other person concrete steps to take. “I’d really love it if you could put your work dinners in the shared family calendar so I can plan around them.”
Remember using these tips for gentle start-ups won’t always result in the other person agreeing with you. The goal is for them to acknowledge your point of view and your experience, and hopefully initiate some behaviour change that will improve your relationship.
Contact the therapists at The Good Relationship Practice to get help with unravelling these complicated communication dynamics. As specialist couple and family counsellors we can work with you to express your complaints in a more constructive way and stop the criticism-defensiveness loop.
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About our therapists
Cherie Marriott, Shweta Israni and Margie Mitchell offer specialist individual, couple and family counselling to help people get their relationships back on track. They offer targetted relationship therapy to help with communication issues, conflict problems, affair recovery, low intimacy, parenting struggles, childhood anxiety and ADHD, and separation or family blending.
The therapy at The Good Relationship Practice is discreet and private, warm and respectful, evidence-based and efficient. Clients leave each session with a deeper understanding of relationship dynamics, tools to improve communication and the confidence to move forward.
Appointments are offered in McMahons Point near North Sydney and on-line across Australia. After-hours sessions available. Click on the FREE phone consult button below to speak to one of our therapists about your concerns.
